


i stole your honey like i stole your bike

by kattyshack



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bets & Wagers, Crushes, Drinking, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Humor, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19321498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattyshack/pseuds/kattyshack
Summary: Theon and Podrick have a standing bet, all for laughs, on who can get the most phone numbers during a night out. Sure, Theon tosses his before the night’s done, because he’s already got the number of the girl he wants — the only trouble is getting Sansa to see that.(title from “summer girls,” by LFO)





	i stole your honey like i stole your bike

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: honestly i just wrote this because i wanted to use this title, like, v e r y m u c h , and this premise works well enough with it, which is like 87% why it’s another text fic instead of a regular one and the other 13% is bc i’m tired but i hope you love it anyway!

**SANSA** : Drinks tonight?

 **ARYA** : why with the question mark, tho?  
you know my standing answer to this is ‘i’m already drinking’

 **SANSA** : Yes, but will you be out by nine-thirty like last time, or can you handle your booze for another twelve-odd hours?

 **ARYA** : that depends  
how many chicken fingers are you making me?

 **SANSA** : As many as you need. Which, from past experience, I realize is a ghastly tall order for so small a person, but as usual I’m up to the task.

 **ARYA** : give me fifteen minutes and i’ll be there with bells on  
or a GONG  
much more celebratory

 **SANSA** : No need for all that, it’s only chicken fingers.

 **ARYA** : hahahahahaha  
oh, sansa  
my sweet summer child  
you only say that because you are immune to the delectable taste of your own creation

 **SANSA** : Ugh, don’t say things like that. You sound like Theon when he’s trying to make Robb do that thing where he screams like an agitated Muppet.

 **ARYA** : ha! you WISH i was theon

 **SANSA** : What’s that supposed to mean?

 **ARYA** : um that you love him

 **SANSA** : How many chicken fingers do I need to feed you for you to stop bringing this up?

 **ARYA** : there aren’t enough in the world

 **SANSA** : There has to be something.

 **ARYA** : ………make the spicy chipotle sauce and i’ll think about it

 **SANSA** : Already in the fridge.

 **ARYA** : god i’m so glad we’re related  
ps tell theon you want to ride him like his boat

 **SANSA** : I’m sure there are better euphemisms.

 **ARYA** : no that’s the best one

 **SANSA** : Sigh. I’ll see you soon. Maybe if you stuff your face full enough you won’t be able to talk for a few solid minutes.

 **ARYA** : not bloody likely

*****

**_ARYA STARK added ROBB STARK, BRAN STARK, RICKON STARK, THEON GREYJOY, MARGAERY TYRELL, JON SNOW, GENDRY WATERS, and PODRICK PAYNE to the chat_ **

**ARYA** : SANSA’S MAKING CHICKEN FINGERS  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **ARYA** : @theon don’t tattle on me to sansa this time  
fuckin narc

*****

**THEON** : arya’s invited everyone over to yours for chicken fingers again

 **SANSA** : I thought as much. I’m already at the shop for supplies.

 **THEON** : clever girl  
want me to bring anything?

 **SANSA** : Just your sense of humour.

 **THEON** : … :|

 **SANSA** : Oh, alright, who am I kidding? Could you grab a case of beer from Yara’s on your way over?

 **THEON** : course i can  
but only if you promise to wear something pretty

 **SANSA** : Don’t I always?

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : something short, then

 **SANSA** : You’ll see plenty of girls in something short when we go to the pub tonight.

 **THEON** : now sansa you know you’re the only girl for me

 **SANSA** : Oh, ha ha ha.

 **THEON** : why do you always do this  
i’m SERIOUS

 **SANSA** : You know, you can just ask me to pick you up a pack of saltwater taffy. I’m happy to do it, you haven’t got to butter me up.

 **THEON** : i really don’t know how to make it any clearer  
this is quite frustrating, i hope you realize

 **SANSA** : Mhm. Do you want the taffy or not, love?

 **THEON** : obviously i want it  
but that’s not the point!!!

 **SANSA** : I’m sure it isn’t. See you in a bit. x

 **THEON** : xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and so on, et cetera, ad nauseam

*****

**THEON** : why does sansa think i don’t fancy her?  
haven’t i been obvious??

 **ARYA** : yes it’s disgusting  
close your mouth, would you? i’m trying to eat here and it’s really off-putting when i can see your drool clear across the table

 **THEON** : i can’t help it i want to marry her

 **ARYA** : oh my god so just propose

 **THEON** : ???? i can’t ““just propose””

 **ARYA** : why not?  
haven’t you got the ring already?

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : oh lord of light you DO  
man i was JOKING

 **THEON** : no i haven’t got **the** ring  
i mean  
i have **a** ring  
that happened to belong to my mother  
yara didn’t want it you know she’s not much for sentimentality so i just… have it  
sitting around in a box in my sock drawer  
purely coincidental

 **ARYA** : oh i’m quite sure

 **THEON** : it’s true

 **ARYA** : yes how very ~serendipitous~

 **THEON** : whyyyy do i talk to you about this??

 **ARYA** : don’t fuckin know, do i?  
give bran a go  
he’s got the patience of a saint when it comes to you  
someone’s got to, i s’pose  
anyway good luck trying to bone my sister

 **THEON** : cretin

 **ARYA** : whatever  
you wanna be my brother-in-law soooooo bad

 **THEON** : We’re Sorry, But The Wireless Customer You Are Trying To Reach Is Not Available

 **ARYA** : great now i can eat my chicken fingers in peace  
later, bitch

*****

**THEON** : _typing…_

 **BRAN** : Let me spare you the effort.  
Sansa doesn’t believe you really like her because all you do is flirt with her, and you flirt with everyone.

 **THEON** : HOW

 **BRAN** : A magician never reveals his secrets.

 **THEON** : sometimes i wish you were just an entirely different person

 **BRAN** : Oh? You want to talk to Robb about this instead?

 **THEON** : N O

 **BRAN** : Didn’t think so.

 **THEON** : FURTHERMORE  
i don’t ““flirt with everyone””

 **BRAN** : Not like you used to, but you and Podrick still have that standing bet about who can get the most phone numbers whenever we go out to the pub.

 **THEON** : yes but i don’t DO ANYTHING with those! i chuck them! IMMEDIATELY  
because of SANSA

 **BRAN** : And how’s she to know that? You should really be spending that time lavishing all of your attention on her, rather than hopping from girl to girl for a laugh, just because of some stupid game you and Pod started six years ago because you were stupid and Pod’s easy when he’s drunk.

 **THEON** : the hostile tone isn’t helping me rn like, jsyk

 **BRAN** : Well you’re not the one who has to watch Sansa try not to cry on the drive home, so excuse me for losing my finely-tuned patience with you at last.

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : she’s been CRYING??????  
WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME

 **BRAN** : I was hoping you’d figure it out for yourself.

 **THEON** : THIS IS EGREGIOUS

 **BRAN** : I agree. You’d best do something about it.

*****

**PODRICK** : Just to be clear on what we discussed earlier, and to make sure it wasn’t just some sort of chicken-finger-coma hallucination…  
You want me to hit on Sansa tonight?

 **THEON** : that’s the game isn’t it?

 **PODRICK** : More or less, but  
It’s SANSA  
She’s too…  
Idk

 **THEON** : i get it  
she’s too (◕ ワ ◕✿) !! SANSA !! (◕ ワ ◕✿)  
right?

 **PODRICK** : Right.  
She’s so  
-you know-

 **THEON** : pretty?

 **PODRICK** : Not just that.

 **THEON** : sweet?

 **PODRICK** : Very, but that’s not what I’m getting at, either. 

 **THEON** : clever?

 **PODRICK** : Well, sort of? I AM afraid she’ll completely eviscerate me if I say something that goes just a bit too off the mark.

 **THEON** : sexually stimulating?

 **PODRICK** : I’m not answering that.

 **THEON** : so intimidating but in like such a hot way that it sort of gets you off just talking about her?

 **PODRICK** : What?  
No, Theon, that sounds like a YOU thing.  
I can practically hear your wistful sigh from here.

 **THEON** : this is just who i am, pod  
love me or leave me

 **PODRICK** : I’m leaning towards the latter, tbqh.  
Why is it that you want me to do this, anyway? Can’t you just sidle up to Sansa and do your thing like you so clearly WANT?

 **THEON** : no i absolutely cannot  
the situation is… complicated

 **PODRICK** : Explain it to me.  
I’m not going to throw myself at Sansa’s mercy if I muck this up, because she’s definitely killed a man with her glare before, I feel it in my bones.

 **THEON** : yeah she gets that from her mum. chilling, ain’t it?

 **PODRICK** : The most.

 **THEON** : right so  
i can’t just do this thing with sansa the way i’ve been trying to for… i dunno, ages now? i lost count after the first six painful months and that was A W H I L E ago

 **PODRICK** : When you were writing all that poetry, yeah?

 **THEON** : podrick we agreed that we’d never speak of that again  
but yes

 **PODRICK** : You should just give her that notebook, honestly.

 **THEON** : only after i’ve made her fall so wildly in love with me that she couldn’t imagine ever possibly living without me again  
i need to lock this down before i do anything outrageously stupid  
which brings me back to the task at hand

 **PODRICK** : Why do I have the feeling that you’re blowing this out of proportion?

 **THEON** : because you’re wrong  
i can’t keep flirting with sansa and expect her to take me seriously  
it’s Grand Romantic Gesture time

 **PODRICK** : …I don’t like where this is going.

 **THEON** : yes pod

 **PODRICK** : No, Theon.

 **THEON** : you’re going to hit on sansa

 **PODRICK** : Nope.

 **THEON** : and then i, overcome with my very real passionate overwhelming love for her, am going to punch you in the face in a jealous fit of rage

 **PODRICK** : I’ll pass.

 **THEON** : omg pod just do it!!!

 **PODRICK** : In what universe would this ever work??

 **THEON** : THIS ONE  
sansa’s favourite romcom scene of all time is when mark darcy and daniel cleaver get into a fistfight in bridget jones

 **PODRICK** : Reckon she just thinks the song choice is funny.

 **THEON** : this is going to work

 **PODRICK** : Well I suppose we’ll never know, as I’m not doing it.

 **THEON** : i’ll spot your tab tonight if you do

 **PODRICK** : _typing…_

 **PODRICK** : Fine.  
But I’m going to rack up one hell of a bill if I’m getting punched in the face.

 **THEON** : as is your right  
cheers, mate

 **PODRICK** : Fuck you.

*****

**SANSA** : I think I need to take a leaf out of your book and pregame before we head out.

 **ARYA** : !!!!!!! let’s make margaritas  
i’ll pop by the shop for tequila and be back over in a jiff

 **SANSA** : You’re a godsend.

 **ARYA** : thanks. robb always says i was an accident, so if you don’t mind i’ll just screenshot this to show him next time.

 **SANSA** : Of course.

 **ARYA** : anyway  
what’s the trouble?  
you did seem a bit off when you had us all over earlier  
and i know it’s not because i sprung company on you, bc i’m sure theon ratted me out about point-two seconds after the group text

 **SANSA** : No, I’m quite used to you by now, but you’ve managed to land on the trouble right there, anyway — Theon.

 **ARYA** : ah  
so you admit to it at last

 **SANSA** : Please, you already know how much I like him. And it’s so much, before you ask. Like I-can’t-bear-to-be-teased-about-it kind of ‘so much.’

 **SANSA** : I just, I can’t get through another night of watching him chatting up another dozen girls. I know it’s just a silly game and maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but… Well. That’s just it. *But.*

 **ARYA** : it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean anything  
unless it’s with you, i don’t reckon anything theon does means much at all

 **SANSA** : Being with Gendry’s made you soft, hasn’t it? That’s right romantic. If it’s true, too, be nice if Theon told me that himself.

 **SANSA** : Ugh. Now I’ve really got to get sloshed.

 **ARYA** : omw  
we’ll figure out this theon shite for you, alright? we’ll make a drinking game of it  
being with gendry might’ve made me soft but my liver can still take shots like a champ

 **SANSA** : I’m counting on it.

*****

**THEON** : is sansa… already drunk?

 **ARYA** : i’ve no idea what you’re talking about

 **THEON** : ARYA  
WHAT DID YOU DO

 **ARYA** : um excuse me  
but this is YOUR fault

 **THEON** : ??????????

 **ARYA** : if i see you talking to one girl tonight who’s not sansa i’m going to stab you in the heart with a cocktail sword

 **THEON** : christ arya  
i had a plan  
and you’ve just fucked the whole thing up

 **ARYA** : what the FUCK do you need a plan for??  
this isn’t HARD, theon  
just tell sansa some romantic crap about how her eyes remind you of the seas at high summer on pyke, and she’s all yours, bet

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : did podrick tell you about my shite poetry???

 **ARYA** : oh theon  
everyone knows about the shite poetry

 **THEON** : does SANSA know??

 **ARYA** : no somehow none of us have ever told her  
for reasons that have escaped me now  
you should prolly tell her, tho  
it may be shite but guaranteed it’ll make sansa sloppy snog you right now  
like right at this very moment  
get it, theon  
GET.  
IT.

 **THEON** : why, so you can find a way to include my shite poetry in your maid of honour speech???

 **ARYA** : oh i don’t need an excuse. the entire speech is predicated on that composition notebook, just you wait and see  
ps i fckin knew you weren’t joking about the proposal  
sap

 **THEON** : BLOCKED

 **ARYA** : the nerve

*****

**THEON** : sansa doll where’ve you gone off to?

 **SANSA** : THEON!!!11!!!!1!!1

 **THEON** : oh no

 **SANSA** : I’m on the bcak patio w POdrick  
You knwo podrick

 **THEON** : yes love i know podrick

 **SANSA** : Theon I think hes…… flriting with me??  
its’== strnage  
Theon why dont YOU ever flirt with me????

 **THEON** : my love i spend every waking hour flirting with you

 **SANSA** : YEs but I mean REALLYY  
For real  
LIke do yuo want me to have your babies or NOT???//?

 **THEON** : reckon i should take you out on a few dates first

 **SANSA** : Oh yuo DO,, do you?? ???

 **THEON** : i realize this probably isn’t the best time to tell you all this but, fuck it, at least this way you’ll have a written record and you won’t be able to tell me that i don’t mean it

 **THEON** : but there’s a lot i want to do with you, sansa  
and it’s not just all the dirty stuff either  
although obviously that’s on the table  
but it’s other stuff, too. like letting-you-read-all-the-old-shoddy-poetry-i’ve-written-about-you stuff  
and that’s as much as i’d like to say ‘til you’re sober, but i think you get the picture

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : Are you sure ?

 **THEON** : i’ve never been so sure of anything else in my life as i am of you

 **SANSA** : Oh.  
Well  
You shuold probly come outside then bc I thnk Podricks tyring to put the moves on me and he’s very NICE abuot it but you shoudl maybe.. do somethng bout this

 **THEON** : yes i will come rescue you from the clutches of sweet marshmallow boy podrick  
who i’ve heard through the grapevine is actually so good in bed that i really should be worried about leaving you alone with him  
so  
i’ll be out there in three seconds

*****

**THEON** : i’m coming outside  
don’t freak out, i’m not gonna hit you  
plan’s off

 **PODRICK** : Oh, thank god.

*****

**THEON** : morning, love. i had to pop out for breakfast, you know there’s nothing in my flat. water and paracetamol’s on the bedside table for you, tho

 **SANSA** : Thank you. x

 **THEON** : you’re awake??

 **SANSA** : And thoroughly humiliated.

 **THEON** : don’t be  
you’ve taken care of me on how many out-of-hand drunken nights now? honestly i owed you one  
owe you a few actually but this is a start

 **SANSA** : You’ve never commandeered my bed, though.

 **THEON** : well neither did you  
i mean  
not really  
i slept there too  
i wouldn’t’ve but… you sort of… made me  
kinda

 **SANSA** : Ah. Right. I was drunk enough to do whatever I liked, but unfortunately not enough that I’m spared recalling all the details. I did yank you down and just… draped myself over you, didn’t I?

 **THEON** : i didn’t mind, if that makes a difference  
not at ALL  
it was nice  
you’re quite a cuddly sleeper

 **SANSA** : And so the humiliation reaches dizzying new heights.

 **THEON** : really, love, don’t  
i meant what i texted you last night  
sharing my bed with you has been at the top of all those things i’ve wanted to do with you from the start

 **SANSA** : Well, in the interest of no-holds-barred honesty, then, I think you really ought to take me on a few dates before you try knocking me up.

 **THEON** : i’m glad you’ve seen sense

 **SANSA** : I’m a very sensible woman.

 **THEON** : that’s right  
talk responsible to me

 **SANSA** : Oh, don’t make me laugh with this headache.

 **THEON** : take the paracetamol, love. i’ve got plans for you when i get back  
‘wooing you’ kinds of plans  
with loads of coffee and a subpar takeaway breakfast

 **SANSA** : And the poetry?

 **THEON** : yes of course you’d remember the bloody poetry  
that’s going to cost you

 **SANSA** : I’ll kiss you for it.

 **THEON** : christ woman  
you can’t text me things like that when i’m in public, i left my inhaler at home

 **SANSA** : :) I’ll spare you ‘til you’re back, then. 

 **THEON** : :* my hero

*****

**THEON GREYJOY is In A Relationship with SANSA STARK**

_82 likes  
19 comments_

**BRAN STARK** : So you figured it out, I see.

 **THEON GREYJOY** : looks like it  
shockingly, but  
thank the gods

 **SANSA STARK** : Finally.

 **THEON GREYJOY** : xxxxxxxxxxxx etc etc, you know how this goes

 **ROBB STARK** : Please, not in front of the children  
For the record, it’s me  
I’m the children

 **THEON GREYJOY** : nobody thought otherwise, mate

 **PODRICK PAYNE** : Congrats to you both. I’m just glad I didn’t need to get punched in the face for this to happen, after all.

 **SANSA STARK** : What?

 **THEON GREYJOY** : ffs podrick

 **ARYA STARK** : LMAO ????????

 **ROBB STARK** : If people are getting hit, I’ve got dibs on Theon

 **BRAN STARK** : *~L is for the way you Look at me  
O is for the way my Older brother punches you in the mouth  
V is for the Vehement way Robb’s going to pretend that his best mate didn’t just sleep with his little sister  
E is for Everyone knows about your shite poetry, Theon~*

 **THEON GREYJOY** : you’ve really got no room to talk about my poetry when you’ve just pulled that atrocity out of your arse

 **ROBB STARK** : THEY DIDN’T SLEEP TOGETHER

 **BRAN STARK** : ^ Point to me.

 **THEON GREYJOY** : sigh

 **SANSA STARK** : Sigh.

 **ARYA STARK** : ah, the wistful sighs of young love…

 **ARYA STARK** : @everyone celebratory chicken fingers at sansa’s!!!!  
be there or suck!!!

*****

**THEON** : if it’s all the same to you, mate, i think i’ll bow out of the pick-up game

 **PODRICK** : Figured as much.  
We had a good run.

 **THEON** : that we did  
but i’m counting on something better now

 **PODRICK** : I won, though. Just so we’re square on that.

 **THEON** : you’ve got me in numbers  
but i’ve got you in sansas  
so who’s the real winner here, honestly?

 **PODRICK** : A matter of perspective.  
Your girlfriend scares the shite out of me.

 **THEON** : that’s my baby!!!  
and i’m so proud


End file.
